May You Have the Pleasure of

I wish I had sent you a Christmas card. I haven’t for a long, long time. But, I hope that you know that I will always be here for you when you need a shoulder, an ear, a hug, a laugh, or a little bit of love. You can’t parcel those into a card with a fifty-two cent stamp.

Jim and I always watch a sappy movie at Christmas time. It is a story that is based on the Gift of the Magi (spoiler alert if you click this link!). It stars Marie Osmond and Timmy Bottoms and it’s called The Gift of Love. I think we’ve watched it every year since we first discovered it in the early 80’s. It reminds me how very much that Love is in the air at Christmas and why we want to reach out and remember the important people in our lives who are there for us always. And it forever reminds me of how fortunate I am to have the Gift of Love in my life. Thank you for that.

If I could, I would give you sunshine, laughter, wonderful memories, great health, and joy this holiday season. If I could, I would wave a magic wand and transform your world to one that is ever softer and more beautiful than it is today. Since I can’t actually give those to you, please know that I am wishing that they come your way on the strength of my hopes for you.

And one thing more for you,
Worth much more than any treasure,
May you have the pleasure of
The precious gift of love.

Mary Krissmasss

I got this cute message from my niece last night. She had already told me what she wanted for Christmas, but wanted to add more in case I was still stumped for ideas:

“hi aunt brenda and uncal jim its me abbey i just wanted to tell you that
another i would like for christmas is more beeds to make you some more lizerds
and things like that .
p.s.
tell sozziy Q that i say hi,looking forword to seeing you guys at
christmas!
Love: abbey”

Beads to make lizards and things like that! But she is thinking she only wants them so she can, in turn, give Jim and I beaded lizards. How special!

Seems like little Abbey is learning the spirit of Christmas. The best presents are the ones you get that allow you to give back to the ones you love. Many adults haven't even learned that one yet!

It reminded me of a sign outside a church that I saw recently. It said that one of the best gifts you can give is to “Promise Expectations”. I love the fact that the sign requires you to really think about what it means. To me, it means: I promise you that your expectations in me will not go unfilled. I will hope that I can always fulfill your expectations. My promise is always to try.

If I don’t meet your expectations, then I’ll ask Abbey to make you a beaded lizard. Believe me, you won’t be disappointed...

Thank You for Being the Best that You Are

I was at another funeral today. That’s two in one week!! Add that to the post of finding myself in the obituaries and I’m seeing a theme here. Not good.

In any event, the funeral today was for a man who may have been a difficult, demanding, and capricious person in life. I never knew him, so I don’t know for sure. His daughter, who is a friend of mine, gave an eloquent and truthful eulogy of her father. Some parts love, some parts frustration, some part loss, some parts laughter, some parts goodbye for what she had – and for what she didn’t have – in a father.

She did an amazing job of honouring the person her father was, while respecting the things in life that her father wasn’t. In doing so, she explained to us who her father was, and who he wasn’t. All the while though – and this is touching and telling – she called him “My Dad”. In Capital Letters.

After listening to her, I was struck by what the Chaplain said. It was almost as if he knew that the person we were there to honour was not perfect. (Who is???) “We are here to thank you for the best that you were”. He didn’t say that “We are here to thank you because you were the best”. Instead, we honour the “best that you were”.

I was struck by that because I hope and I think, listening to my friend being generous with her love for “MY DAD”, that my friend’s father did the best he could do. We can’t meet everyone’s expectations of how we should be. We can only do the best with what we have.

The Chaplain asked us to spend a moment in silence to remember the man who had passed beyond this life to whatever greets him now in his next life. I didn’t know the man so I didn’t have anything to remember. For those sixty seconds though, I kept repeating “Please know that your daughter loved you, not because you were the best, but because you were the best that you were”.

I know that. Because she talks about you in capital letters.


Rest in Peace knowing that too.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Life

This blog entry is for a friend of mine. She asked me to write it, assuming that some people might listen to my advice (that is a cool thought in and of itself!).

Her beloved brother died this week. As if that is not bad enough, he died without leaving a Will. Of course, he didn’t know that he was going to have a massive heart attack at such a young age and leave this world without a Last Will and Testament. Had he known that, he would have put something down on paper that expressed his wishes. Had he known that, he might have considered that not having a Will places an additional amount of stress and strain, and possible dissention, on a family that is already buckled by grief. Had he known that, he probably would have made sure that his loved ones knew his final wishes and how to honour them without question or compromise or painful conversations.

Because of who and what he was to his family, he would have taken care of all these details before he died. He was that kind of person.

So, as my friend beseeched me to stop smoking (lest I come to the same fate as her brother), she also asked that I would stress to my world how important it is to have a will, if only so that you can give your family some comfort at a time when they don’t need an extra burden to carry.

It’s simple. If you don’t have a will, take a piece of completely blank paper and a pen. Write on that blank piece of paper: “I leave everything I own to [x].” X, of course, being whoever you want to leave everything to. Then write, “If [x] predeceases me, I leave everything I own to [y].” Y, of course, being the next person on your list. Now sign and date the paper and put it in a place where someone would be bound to find it.

A couple of hints: write, don’t type, the statement(s) in your own handwriting and do not place any other words or symbols below your signature. You don’t even need a witness to your signature.

Now you have what is called, in law, a “holograph will”. It is valid. In fact, I distinctly remember the case I read about in wills and estates law where the farmer was out in the field and his own tractor rolled over him. As he lay dying, with no one around to help, he scratched these words into his tractor with a nail “I leave all of my property to my wife”. It was found to be a valid will and is still the legal foundation for the validity of a holograph will.

Okay, now that you have done the minimum right now, go out soon and get yourself a lawyer who will do a real Will for you. Don’t use a Grand-and-Toy kit! They don’t work!!! Executing a real Will is not all that costly, and the price you pay cuts in at least half the burdens on the ones you leave behind. Make it a promise to yourself and those you love.

For those of you who are breathing a sigh of relief saying “I do have a Will”, not so fast! Make sure you check your Will to see if it really reflects today in this moment what you would want to have happen. I read one recently for another friend, as a favour, and advised her – to her great shock and awe – that she was leaving all of her worldly possessions to a person not of her own choosing. It was possibly a drafting error of her lawyer’s, one that might have had her family shaking their heads and saying “what was she thinking?”

It happened to me. One time Jim and I were going on a vacation down south. I checked my Will and found out that, inadvertently and completely by mistake, my Will disinherited Lynn if Jim were to die before me (my Will was made before I went to law school and knew better). I immediately called up the kids and told them what I really wanted, a wish that they all said they would respect (well, actually, true to form, Corey asked for it in writing first ;-).

I now have a handwritten codicil (“codicil” means an addition to something else) that will stand as a holograph to reflect that Lynn shares equally with Corey and Kelly. If Corey disagrees, y’all heard it here.

Not a completely joyful post is this one. But I am fulfilling a promise to a friend and for me that is what joy is all about.

May you rest in peace, Frank “Nem Nem”. Judging by the love and laughter today at your memorial service, you have earned yourself a place in heaven. You leave a sister behind who loves you so much. I promise to be her friend and I hope you know that this post is evidence of how very much she means to me. If I get the chance, I will help to carry her burdens as you would do were you still with us. Rest knowing that.