Reign On

We helped Corey and Natasha today move into their new house. A first house is very special ; it is that much more special when you are moving in on your birthday. Corey turned twenty-nine today. Twenty nine years ago I was in the hospital birthing a very special baby boy. We missed giving out candy to the trick-or-treaters, the first favour Corey delivered upon his dad – his dad who ended up being the beneficiary of all the candy that lie in wait back at the apartment while we were welcoming our boy into the world.

If I counted back, I would probably find that Jim and I moved into our first house when I was just shy of twenty-nine. Many years have passed since then but I still feel the excitement of owning something all of my own. I watched my baby boy in the same thrall of that today. I couldn’t keep a smile off my face as my “baby boy”, now very much an adult, embraced his new kingdom.

My son is a prince. He is a prince among princes. There is no son on earth who could measure up to the joy and pleasure he has brought to my life. May his kingdom be blessed with all the wonderful treasures that I wished for him twenty nine years ago.

If you live your life well, it comes back to revisit you in the day that we had today. It sounds an echo. It sounds like an echo that resonates with the importance of...passing it on.

Corey and Natasha are building a kingdom for their two year old son, Ayden, as Jim and I were so long ago building a world for Corey at a similar time. And today was, above all else, an echo.


"A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove.....but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child."

I am very proud of you, my baby boy.

Reign on.

Know you are building a kingdom for the next reigning prince.

Dear Karen and John

Dear Karen and John:

I love you; I really love you; I really really love you. I spent so many happy and healthy years with you in Calgary. I was sad and sorry when I had to come to Toronto because you were sick Karen. I miss you now that you have gone to Heaven. I hope you are happy and living in the sunshine of the Lord. I know John that you are still in Calgary because you come to visit me sometimes here in Toronto. And you still talk the same, and smell the same, and bless me the same.

I was really scared when I came to Toronto. There was so much noise here! Aunt Silvia and Aunt Mary were very kind though and I knew I wasn’t being sent to strangers. But they knew I wasn’t very restful where they were living – cause there was so much noise and confusion! So, they found Jim and Brenda for me. And I came to live with them.

Will it make you mad if I tell you that I really, really love Jim? It doesn’t take anything away from the love that I feel for you, but he is my best buddy in the whole world. You see, he is retired and I wanted to retire. We lie around most of the day and watch TV, or I listen while he plays music (I didn’t realize that I was a country and western fan!). Sometimes I watch him do laundry. I really like the summertime because I can lie out in the backyard while he lazily cleans the pool. It is amazing that the only difference between Jim and me is that he collects some things called CPP and OAP in the mail and I don’t. I keep barking at the mailman to treat me the same as Jim...but he mostly ignores me.

You probably know I was very sick. I was in the hospital and the doctors think I had a heart attack or maybe a stroke. I have fluid around my heart. They coulda operated but they said it was risky and Jim and Brenda didn’t want to take the risks. After all the tests and such, it ended up costing Jim and Brenda twenty six hundred dollars (whatever those things called dollars are, but Jim keeps mentioning that I am not to any longer consider myself a dog that came to them free – I am a hundred-dollar a day dog – I think "dollars" means I’m very special to my best friend!).

And then I had another attack. It completely exhausted me for a few days. I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep; I couldn't drink water; and I just lay around. I didn’t even have the energy to follow Jim around during the day. Brenda was scared and worried, but she said that if I needed to meet Karen at the Rainbow Bridge, that was okay. She was crying when she said it (I hate it when Brenda cries; I know it comes hard to her). Jim was hugging me every five minutes, and I really liked that. But I know he was worried and scared, too.

But I’m much better today and that is why I wanted to write you. I hope you won’t be mad at me, but I think I am going to stay here a little while longer. I know my job is to meet you Karen at the Rainbow Bridge and I will do that someday. Keep watching for me; don’t forget that I am coming back to you. For now, though, I love this being-retired life!

Brenda keeps saying that I am living my freedom-fifty-five-life. I don’t really know what that means, but she laughs when she says it, so I think it might be a good thing.

I will be at the Rainbow Bridge. But Not Yet. Not Just Yet.

Suzie Q.

Those Family Traditions

I was reminded over the weekend about the importance of family traditions. I had almost decided not to have Thanksgiving Dinner, what with Kelly out of town and Lynn seemingly unavailable. However, Natasha, Corey’s partner, told me that – although she knew it was a lot of work – Corey had said he was looking forward to “turkey”. She was willing to help to bring off the traditional Thanksgiving meal.

Traditions are important even if the whole family is not around. As Wayne Matthews, a human development specialist says, “Traditions help form the story line for a family’s unique history with each generation adding or deleting certain traditions that enhance the family story”.

Look at a strong family and you are likely to find one with strong family traditions. Whether it is activities that the family always does, the everyday routines or ways they celebrate holidays and special occasions, these family rituals bring a sense of belonging, familiarity and routine to family members. In strong families, members become more committed to each other when they spend time together and create bonds. Traditions provide a sense of continuity, understanding, connectedness and love that strengthens family closeness. Family traditions are also opportunities for families to have “good times” and establish “good memories.” Rituals touch the hearts of family members in a positive way and help members feel good about themselves and each other.

I was really glad that I kept the tradition alive, especially when Lynn called in the morning to say that she would be coming along with her partner Andy. We had a wonderful time, and Ayden was so lively and engaged with his Auntie Lynn as they played with balloons and danced the night away.

However, not so happy in my “guests’ eyes” was the fact that I didn’t make all the customary sides. I decided to wait until Christmas to make my famous broccoli and cauliflower dish. I also changed the stuffing from my habitual bread stuffing to a wild rice stuffing. And, I had the audacity to put cranberry sauce in the apple crisp! Although everyone agreed that it was a perfect dinner, cooked with love and attention, they bemoaned the changes from “traditions”.

Note to “good times” and “good memories” file: save the exploration of new foods to when we are not celebrating our Glover story line!

On the brightest side, I now don’t have to fret over a menu for Christmas Dinner. It will be the same as it’s been for twenty-five years!!

Hugology

I got an e-mail hug today from a friend of mine. She sent a link to a youtube video that I had seen before but still brings a smile to my face. (by the way, I’ve given up figuring out how to make the links pop up in a separate window; sorry you have to go back and forth.)

Thinking about the need for hugs, I was reminded of one of my very first days at the City of Toronto. The ‘new’ City, a shot-gun amalgamation of the former seven municipalities in Metropolitan Toronto, had just been born. I was one of the first five executives to be hired for the ‘new’ city, as Commissioner of Human Resources. That meant I had four hundred staff working for me, with only 10% of them who already knew me. I was from one of the smaller cities, Etobicoke, and the big city folks thought I was “from the colonies”. There was a fair amount of disdain for staff from the smaller cities.

At one of the first meetings of staff, an Etobicoke colleague came into the room. We were delighted to see each other – me having moved to the “big” town and her still being back “in the colonies”. We gave each other a big hug. A person who was standing beside me, a “big” city person, sniffed with obvious derision and said “we don’t do those things here”. I just smiled.

My legendary hugging became well known at the “big” city. I remember my boss, the CAO, saying he really liked me but he’d never hug me. He was more the type that would tell you that you did a good job by giving you a locker room towel swat (you know – like when the macho guys flick their towels at each other’s butts). Fast forward a few years later and he gave me a big and poignant hug as I was sobbing with grief at my mother’s funeral. I also remember one of the senior lawyers at the city also saying he’d never hug a woman, other than his wife, because it was too “sexual” in nature. Fast forward to when he found out I had decided to leave my job, and he was the one asking me for a hug! It was “I will really miss working with you” hug.

At the end of my days in the new city, there were a great many more hugs going around. People who before would have derided the welcoming and safe arms of a colleague discovered that the longing for a hug was inside of them all along.

I think that’s because hugs are so nurturing and psychologically beneficial. Nothing says “boy, am I glad to see you!” or “it’s been too long” or “I’m sorry you are in pain” or “I missed you” or “I love you” better than a hug. I know by heart certain people who are good at hugging, and who know just when a hug is needed. Indeed, one of the reasons I sorrow over losing a relationship with my father is because I miss his big bear hugs. Kelly and I share a special hug, complete with soothing pats on the back as we hug. I cherish those hugs.

Hugs attach us to people in ways that words cannot.

There is even a typology of hugs that shows what kind of hug to give in various situations. With instructions! Check it out here.

So, thank you to Carol for your hug. I sent a warm and loving one right back to you.

And you, dear reader, I’ve got one waiting for you. Arms wide open.

Making a Difference in Each Moment

Jim and I both volunteer to give back to our community, acknowledging by our actions the grace that we have been given in life. We share our meagre gifts with others. Meagre to us, it is transformative to those people who benefit from our assistance. It is hard to explain, unless you are a volunteer yourself, how much more you get from giving than from receiving. Although the “recipients” of your time and commitment gain much, you are enriched by the possibility of the difference you could possibly make in one life, in one moment, in one journey, in one lonely instant when you feel so alone.

Jim volunteers at a correctional institute. I have permission to break his anonymity by telling you that Jim is a recovering alcoholic, one day at a time, for over twenty five years. He gives back to those who are suffering the disease of Alcoholism by reaching out to those in institutions who may be fighting the same disease. A year ago, he won an award at one of the institutes. I cannot tell you the awe and spirit I felt when the ‘residents’ of the facility (a prison euphemism for “inmates”) stood up to give him a standing ovation for his commitment. In the moment, I realized that my husband was the most important person to them on their journey.

Jim came home tonight from his volunteer night at the institution. One of the residents had written him a letter in an effort to express gratitude. Jim told him that – for sure – it would be one of my blog entries. And he is right. And it is. Here is the letter.

Our lives are made up of a million moments spent in a million different ways. Some are spent searching for love and harmony. Others are spent surviving day to day. But there is no greater moment than when we find that life -- with all its joys and sorrow – is meant to be lived one day at a time. It’s in this knowledge that we discover the most wonderful truth of it all. Whether we live in a forty-room mansion surrounded by servants and wealth, or find it a struggle to manage the rent month to month, we have it without our power to be fully satisfied and live a life with true meaning. One day at a time we have that ability, through cherishing each moment and rejoicing in each dream. We can experience each day anew – and with this fresh start we have what it takes to make all of our dreams come true, each day anew -- and living one day at a time enables us to truly enjoy life and live it to the fullest. Jim, we may not be related by blood or share a last name, but we are closely connected where it counts – in heart and in spirit. I cherish you as my friend. The best thing about having you for a friend is the way you never fail to make me see the silver lining behind each dark cloud. No matter how down I get, I can always count on you to help me find a reason to get back up and try again. God bless you and your family.

I was awed by the letter because of the heart-laid-bare nature of it, particularly that it was written by a person that is behind bars. I was hopeful that he could carry these thoughts to the real-world beyond bars, one day at a time, so that he would never have to re-learn what he instinctively now knew. I was struck by how much he understood and articulated Jim’s outlook on life.

But, mostly, I was grateful that I am sharing a life with someone who can invoke such powerful insight and emotions in others. Jim makes a difference one day at a time. He makes a difference every moment in mine. Can it be any better than that?

May you be as fortunate.

Deja Vu

I had a déjà vu last night to a story my sister loves to tell. First, I’ll tell the story and then I’ll admit the déjà vu.

My grandmother was not a learned person, in the academic sense, but she had a wealth of knowledge and experience, and a keen sense of competition. My brother lived with her for a long time, she a surrogate mother to him. My brother had a keen sense of competition, and perhaps like other teenagers, wanted to assert how much smarter he was than my grandmother.

They were sitting at the kitchen table. They decided to play a game called “name that country”. The rules were that the first person had to name a country. The next person had to name a country that began with the last letter of the country named by the first person.

As an example, if I named Afghanistan as the first country, you would have to name a country starting with the letter “N” (as in “Norway”. Back to my turn to name a country beginning with the letter “Y”. Got it?

The game progressed through many rounds. My brother began increasingly frustrated that my grandmother was able to name the next country easily, almost without thought. After all, he had more education than she had! What’s up with that?

Unbeknownst to him, she had the newspaper spread out below her on the kitchen table, casually resting her arms over it – to the section on the world weather!! She would pretend that she was thinking by covering her eyes with her hand and looking down. Um, ah, that one is hard. As she looked down, she would canvass possible solutions to this alphabetic question. She won handily.

We always laugh at how she was able to one-up my learned brother by using the tools at her command. She was a smart and innovative woman.

To the déjà vu. My aunt called from Montreal last night. She had what appeared to be a burning question. Do you remember what country had the big tsunami a couple of years ago? They must have been discussing it over dinner. I hazarded a guess that it was in Thailand and Indonesia and it was about four years ago.

As we are talking, unbeknownst to her, I am on the computer. I quickly go into the Wikipedia site to look up “tsunami”. I reported (without telling her Wikipedia was my source) that the tsunami was in 2004, in the Indian Ocean, and that the hardest hit countries were Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India, and Thailand.

She said that “she just knew I would know the answer”.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Déjà vu all over again. My grandmother is laughing in heaven.

By the way, bro, there is now a website for countries that begin with a letter: http://www.trabob.com/countries_beginning.php

Ya' might just win next time

Swimming Against the Tide

People have asked if I am going to write a journal of my “Masters Journey” as I did for Law School. I will, but it will be in the form of blog postings. Feel free to check in when you can.

The group of twenty six students is quite amazing, from all walks of life and from all across Canada. I didn’t realize it, but you don’t have to be a lawyer (and have an LL.B) to do a Master in Law Degree. Although most of the people in my group are lawyers, some are from other disciplines. You can’t practice law without a law degree so they won’t be able to practice with a Masters. However, the specialty I am doing is on “Alternative Dispute Resolution” (ADR) and not only lawyers practice in that field.

I learned something fascinating this week about myself. As part of understanding how different people approach conflict, we did the MBTI. Of course, I had done it many times so I wasn’t surprised – and nor will you be – that I am an ENFJ.

I don’t mind being an ENFJ, but I would rather have some more of the P aspect – being somewhat more spontaneous in life and letting life happen to you rather than planning it.

What was interesting was that the vast majority of lawyers are T-preferred people instead of F-preferred people. Of course, that makes sense; law is based on a search for truth, critique of established principles, and problem solving using logic. Those are all T strengths. In contrast, F’s prefer harmony, relationships, diplomacy, tact over truth, and empathy. Those are not the typical skills required of a litigator.

What was even more interesting was that there are more F people (60%) in the general population of the USA than T people (40%). But 76% of the lawyers in the USA are T preferred thinkers versus 24% of F’s. This is fairly representative of the population in Canada as well.

What was fascinating though was the study that was presented that most F’s drop out of law school by second year!!! I had a “ah-ha” moment. It is no wonder that I struggled in law school, loving it but always feeling I was swimming against the stream. I now know why. I wasn’t using skills that most of my colleagues – and the judges whose decisions I studies and tried to understand – regularly use.

That moment, even in retrospect, is a powerful lesson for me.

The extension of that learning is that anyone with a preferred style has the capacity and skill to use the opposite preference. So, for example, I have the power to use a T style; it is just not my natural zone that I would automatically gravitate to. I have to consciously invoke it. It would be like being a left-handed person who can also write with their right hand. But you have to consciously make that choice and train your brain to make the switch. There is fascination for me in that switch.

And no doubt I will have to make the switch once again. Of the numbers in our class, 73% of the masters’ candidates are T-preferred people. Indeed, the lecturer did a fascinating exercise where she had all the T people work on some questions on one side of the room and all the F people (all six of us) work on the same questions on the other side of the room. The T's were all arguing with each other, splintering off into separate groups, disagreeing and analysing every word of the proposed answers. The F's in my group were all affirming each other's statements, working in harmony, agreeing on all the answers, and coming up with a common response. The teaching moments that the exercise demonstrated were quite hilarious.

Me, the salmon once more, swimming against the tide! Apparently, salmon swim against the stream when it is time to spawn. I'm doing it in the same way: spawning knowledge. Think of the learning possibilities for me in that!