Hugology

I got an e-mail hug today from a friend of mine. She sent a link to a youtube video that I had seen before but still brings a smile to my face. (by the way, I’ve given up figuring out how to make the links pop up in a separate window; sorry you have to go back and forth.)

Thinking about the need for hugs, I was reminded of one of my very first days at the City of Toronto. The ‘new’ City, a shot-gun amalgamation of the former seven municipalities in Metropolitan Toronto, had just been born. I was one of the first five executives to be hired for the ‘new’ city, as Commissioner of Human Resources. That meant I had four hundred staff working for me, with only 10% of them who already knew me. I was from one of the smaller cities, Etobicoke, and the big city folks thought I was “from the colonies”. There was a fair amount of disdain for staff from the smaller cities.

At one of the first meetings of staff, an Etobicoke colleague came into the room. We were delighted to see each other – me having moved to the “big” town and her still being back “in the colonies”. We gave each other a big hug. A person who was standing beside me, a “big” city person, sniffed with obvious derision and said “we don’t do those things here”. I just smiled.

My legendary hugging became well known at the “big” city. I remember my boss, the CAO, saying he really liked me but he’d never hug me. He was more the type that would tell you that you did a good job by giving you a locker room towel swat (you know – like when the macho guys flick their towels at each other’s butts). Fast forward a few years later and he gave me a big and poignant hug as I was sobbing with grief at my mother’s funeral. I also remember one of the senior lawyers at the city also saying he’d never hug a woman, other than his wife, because it was too “sexual” in nature. Fast forward to when he found out I had decided to leave my job, and he was the one asking me for a hug! It was “I will really miss working with you” hug.

At the end of my days in the new city, there were a great many more hugs going around. People who before would have derided the welcoming and safe arms of a colleague discovered that the longing for a hug was inside of them all along.

I think that’s because hugs are so nurturing and psychologically beneficial. Nothing says “boy, am I glad to see you!” or “it’s been too long” or “I’m sorry you are in pain” or “I missed you” or “I love you” better than a hug. I know by heart certain people who are good at hugging, and who know just when a hug is needed. Indeed, one of the reasons I sorrow over losing a relationship with my father is because I miss his big bear hugs. Kelly and I share a special hug, complete with soothing pats on the back as we hug. I cherish those hugs.

Hugs attach us to people in ways that words cannot.

There is even a typology of hugs that shows what kind of hug to give in various situations. With instructions! Check it out here.

So, thank you to Carol for your hug. I sent a warm and loving one right back to you.

And you, dear reader, I’ve got one waiting for you. Arms wide open.