A Star is Born

Our biggest joy at Christmas. This takes a minute to load, but it's worth it. In the guitar videos, Ayden and Papa are singing to Molly. In the dancing videos, Ayden is dancing to Usher's "DJ's got us falling in love again" and "OMG".

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Reindeer, Squirrels, and Bears

My Mom used to tell us a story at Christmas time about kids all snuggled tight in their beds, waiting for Santa. At some point in our dreams, so she said, we would hear the sound of reindeer on the roof overhead. Having heard that scurrying of feet over us, we would wake up to the most wondrous things.

I am all grown up now and my precious Mom is gone, long now eleven years. It is never the same at Christmas without her. Nothing glows quite as brightly.

I often wonder how the path of my relationship with my mother might have grown or wandered over the years. We certainly had our troubled times. There were moments, days, years, where we were distant. There were moments, days, years, where we were as close as the next ring of the phone.

Kelly was wrapping a present tonight for the baby of one of her closest friends. The gift was lovely; still, the wrapping was something wondrous to behold. As I remarked on how special she had made the presentation of her love to her friend, she reminded me that she had learned from the best. My mom taught Kelly how to wrap presents. There is love and kindness and joy in each twist of the ribbon. There is thought in the placement of the tape. There is delight in the perfect shine of a gift that is wrapped in love. There is joy.

I want to talk to my Mom about the great things – and the tough stuff-- that has gone on in my life this year. I want her to be my cheerleader once again, the one who believed in me; absolutely in an unqualified faith. I can’t. She’s gone. I can only capture her essence as I gaze upon the gifts that she left behind, like the talent my youngest was taught. Wrapping her love in trails of ribbons.

When my Mom lay dying I bought tiny little bears for my sisters. The bears signified that we were “bearing watching Mom die all for the love of Mom”. This year my bear sat proudly under my Christmas tree. My grandson, Ayden, passed over all the brightly wrapped presents under the tree and picked up the bear. Said, “Grandma, I like this.” “What’s his name”? Although Ayden never knew that my Mom was named “Oma” by her grandchildren, he freely accepted that this tattered bear was named, before his time on this earth, “Oma”. He looked at the bear tenderly and called it “Oma”.

I have squirrels in my attic. As I write this message I am not hearing the sound of reindeer on my roof as my Mom promised me long ago. I am hearing the sound of a squirrel doing untold damage above me. Yet I am choosing not to be bothered with the difference.

It occurs to me that we have that choice. We can believe that our life is blessed with reindeer on our roof or with squirrels in our attic. We have a choice. I am choosing to believe in the hope and the promise of wondrous things. And, truth be told, as I write this sentence, the attic has gone quiet.

May you find joy and love this Christmas season; whether it be Reindeer or Squirrels. My wish is that you turn away from this message from me and give a hug to your loved one. There is wonder in your life today. May you experience that wonder all through the coming year.

Love, Brenda

La Mere; La Bouche

Someone who was near and dear to my heart passed away this year and I missed getting her call on Christmas Day. I thought I would share with you the letter I wrote her as she lay dying in a hospital room in Montreal. I had wanted to say goodbye to her in person but she said she was too sick for anyone other than her daughters to have as a visitor. Then, she changed her mind and asked me to fly down to see her. I did immediately and had a whole day with her before she passed away. She never did get to see this letter -- even though I had it with me, the timing didn't seem right and I felt that my visit with her bespoke all of its contents. Interestingly enough, she did ask me to take care of Colleen, not knowing that I had already made the promise in the letter!

La Mere. If you're reading this in heaven, know how very much you are missed. And say "hi" to Mom for me!!

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La Mere:

I had hoped to come to visit you this weekend but I completely understand your need to conserve your strength for the days ahead. I am glad to hear that you are in the hospital right now where you will get the medical care and attention that you deserve. It is quite possible that I might not see you again so I wanted to make sure that I communicated with you at least in writing about how very much you mean to me. I appreciate that Colleen will take the time to share this with you.

I don’t remember knowing you all that well when we were growing up. I remember the story about the woman in the red suit and how you dazzled all the Gleason girls on first meeting. Mom loved to tell that story.

I do know how close you and Mom became the years before Mom passed away. I know how much strength you gave my Mom in dealing with all of the difficulties that she faced in her life, even later in life as she faced problems with us kids, worries over the grandchildren, worries about her future, childhood issues that still bothered her, and – sometimes – just the ups and downs of normal life. Her calls with you were one of the highlights of her week. I appreciate you for that, that my Mom had a very loyal and understanding friend.

I know as well how much you helped Maw in dealing with her grief when Mom died. Maw was a very private person but she was able to talk to you with an open heart. Because I became closer to Maw when Mom died – both of us processing our grief together – I know how much your friendship meant to Maw. I am grateful for that.

But mostly I am grateful that you took an active role in my life post-Mom. You checked in with me often in those first couple of months and were so supportive of me, reminding me often of how very much my mother loved me. When I no longer had a Mom who celebrated my accomplishments, who asked after my children, and who hoped my dreams for me, you did a lot in the past ten years to fill that gaping hole that opened for me with the loss of my mother. Words could never express what it meant to me to know that you were there at the end of the phone, or in the midst of a visit, to celebrate my life’s greatest joys or to listen to my life’s simple woes. I will always treasure that about our relationship and remember you for the kind and generous soul you are.

Beyond all that, we could laugh together! La Mere; La Bouche!! You and I have a similar sense of humour and we could enjoy the extremes of life, taking pleasure in conversation that could shock other people with its audacity. I will smile often when I think about how we could laugh together and enjoy the more hilarious side of serious life.

And still beyond all that, you opened the door to many people, giving them permission and encouragement to say “I love You”. The Gleason family was not big on saying those three words. Although we knew we were loved, the words were never quite expressed. You told me you loved me when Mom died and that opened a whole new world of conversation and understanding. And I loved you back, immensely.

You have meant so very much to me and I wanted you to know that. I am hoping that I can see you again and give you a big hug and say “I Love You” in person. If that does not happen, I will be satisfied that I have had this opportunity to let you know that I count myself blessed to have been part of the circle of your love. I will carry that love with me for the rest of my days.

Finally, I wanted to give you a solemn promise that I will “look after” Colleen and that I will be at her side, or on her side, whenever she needs me. I will forever remind her of the love that you have for her. I will be her confidante, her friend, and her adopted sister. Where once you celebrated her life and her accomplishments, I will attempt to fill that void. Where once you worried over her troubles and had great hopes for better days for her, I will carry that burden for you. Although one can never take the place of a mother, I will do for her what you did for me. I promise to fill her world with compassion, and love, and joy, and laughter, as you did for me. She will never be alone.

La Mere, I wish you a safe passage. As you journey on your way from here to meeting up with your very good friends again, I wish you Godspeed. Thank you for all you have done for me in my life and for all the love you have given me.

I Love You.

Brenda


September 28, 2010